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Pairing Your Quarantactivities With Alcohol


Activity: Puzzling

Drink: Aperol Spritz

Oh, you puzzle? How interesting. Tell me more. Everyone and their mother (especially their mother) apparently owns a puzzle they forgot about and all collectively agreed to break it out at the same time. Puzzling takes stamina, concentration, and lots of alcohol because it’s fucking boring. An Aperol Spritz will pair perfectly with you pretending to enjoy this quintessential quarantine pursuit.

Activity: Baking Banana Bread

Drink: A Buttery Chardonnay

Banana bread is the homecoming queen of quarantine. She’s beauty and she’s grace, she’ll wreak havoc on your waist. Pop open a buttery chard and try not to lick the bowl of batter (it’s a bad time for Salmonella). Post a photo of your pièce de résistance so the dudes following you know you’re a domestic dimepiece.

Activity: Paint By Numbers

Drink: Pinot Noir

Create your own paint and pour by ordering a paint by numbers and using a decanter as a wine glass to take down a bottle of a bold bodied Pinot with your brushes by your side. Channel your inner Bob Ross, god knows you have the body hair to match by now. Just be sure to stop before you start coloring outside the lines.

Activity: Mental Breakdown

Drink: Gin & Tonic

Gin is the official drink of crazy people everywhere so a G&T is the perfect beverage to fan the flames of a category 5 meltdown. You can use your own tears as a chaser to help you choke down this beverage that’ll take you from Britney to Bynes in no time.

Activity: At-home Workout

Drink: Hard Seltzer

Ugh you workout people are annoying, but, like, good for you for streaming and sweating I guess. I mean the world basically gave us all a free pass to not do anything, but, again, here you are doing lunges in your living room. Hydrate with some hard seltzer and quit being a fucking overachiever.

Activity: Cutting Your Own Bangs

Drink: Mai Tai

Isolation inspiring you to take a trip to trim town? This is a huge mistake and you are going to need a stiff drink to deal with your impulsive consequences. Mania calls for a Mai Tai. Make sure to add a rum floater for your new fringe.

Activity: Crying

Drink: Tequila

Tequila is the official drink of tears everywhere. If you missed your at-home workout, but still want to get rid of some water weight – try crying! All you have to do is watch the news or remember you won’t be able to see your friends for an undefined amount of time. Quarantine crying is a dish best served with a shot.

Activity: Zoom Meeting

Drink: Vodka in a water glass

Do you have to fake work during this quarantine? Zoom meetings driving you to drink? Fear not, we have the solution. Fill a water glass with straight vodka (chilled, obviously) and take a sip anytime someone says “per my email” or “circling back” – finish your drink if you get furloughed or fired.

Activity: FaceTiming With Friends

Drink: Rosé

The only filter you need for a solid FaceTime is rosé-colored glasses. Catch up with the cool cats and kittens over a crisp virtual vino. Be sure to snap a photo of all of you digitally cheersing and post it to your Instagram story so all of your followers know you have friends.

Activity: Houseparty With College Roommates

Drink: Bud Light

Everyone has that one friend that is obsessed with Houseparty. They are always watching, waiting, waving. They are basically a Sim after you delete all of the digital doors – just always in the house. Grab a bud light, try to hide the quaran10 that you’ve put on (word travels fast) and get ready to relive the glory days.

Activity: Fighting With Your Significant Other

Drink: Rum Punch

Whip up a rum punch for your marathon fight you have scheduled this evening. Tensions have been building and it’s almost time for the big show. Are you ready? Be sure to do some light stretching before and vocal exercises. You’ll need your full range for this one.

Activity: Texting Your Ex

Drink: Jagermeister Shot

Yeah girl, you’re right. This is a perfect time to text your ex! Take a shot of Jagermeister to lead you right to your ex-mister. It’ll make you feel like shit, which will prepare you for how your ex will inevitably make you feel. Don’t have Jager? Just take a shot of hand sanitizer instead. It’ll probably taste better.

Activity: Drinking and Dating App-ing

Drink: Pink Whitney

This one calls for a Pink Whitney! If vodka had a one night stand with a bottle of pink lemonade, they would have an illegitimate child with daddy issues named Whitney. If you are drinking and dabbling on dating apps then you, too, probably have daddy issues so slug away your sorrows away with Whitney by your side.

Activity: Sanitizing Your Entire Life

Drink: Coffee (with Bailey’s)

By now you probably wash your hands like your scrubbing in for surgery, and for good measure. But it is time. You’ve been training for this. You have hoarded enough anti-bacterial products to turn a dumpster into a diner and you are ready. Grab a cup of COVID covfefe, er, coffee and bust out the Bailey’s. You cannot do this sober.

 

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